Here I am...

I dont want to forget... I cant. It is me whether I like it or not. It happened for a reason and who am I to be in denial about it.

I guess I am talking about this blog in sense that I didn't like what it started to become. Well, I didnt like the fact that the girl behind the blog was different.

I hate going back and seeing the pain that I was in. Sure I can delete this blog, start over clean and fresh... but I am unable to do so in real life.

I really do enjoy spending time here. I can remember when I first created this blog - it pretty much consumed my life and I was pretty happy about that. I had a fair amount of "fans" and it was great to "feel popular" in the net.
Hmm... actually that makes me a little sad. The fact that I was so consumed by complete strangers and compelled to write something witty, fun or filled with drama to not only fill my needs but theirs as well.


I am going to my therapist to figure out my social anxiety disorder. it sucks - the disorder, not the therapist.

It's sad...

I love this place. I used to come here all of the time, everyone knew my name yet it was my own little piece of the world. Starting this several years ago, I dont want it to come to an end.
Why is it that I seem to write better here than anywhere else?
Is it because family doesn't frequent here? Is it because I can get away from my life for a short while and pour my heart out?
Hmm... it is very interesting to me.
I can remember sitting at my old desk, writing at all hours of the day and night - hoping someone would listen. I have had my ups and downs through this blog. Yet, when I try to visit I cant stay too long.
I just read some of my past entries and I hated them. They brought back so many negative thoughts that my heart started to race and mind started to go crazy.
I know what is happening in the NOW is all that matters but the past is a very hard memory to forget.

Well, I am almost certain that my blog would never hear the words I am about to say:
MK and I are married and have an amazing bambino together! It's not always peaches and cream but our household is strong.
*a huge sigh of relief*

I have tried several times to recreate what I started here but no luck. I just cant seem to get my knack anywhere else. Except I did start a baby blog for my friends and family but it is no where near the up and down mood as this one is. That's a good thing: I need to keep it like that.

So maybe I will frequent this place more often. Hopefully with more personal thouhts rahter than depressing facts about my life.
Dont hold me to it, though.

xoxoxo Tasha

Here's to you Sophie!

1. Four Jobs I have had in my life:
Apple Cider Presser
Yarn Department Manager
Nutritionist
Bank Teller
2. Four films I can watch over and over again:
Grosse Point Blank
Office Space
The Terminal
Bang, Bang Your Dead
3. Four places I have lived
All in Washington State
4. Four TV shows I watch
Pinks
Meerkats
News
Anything on DIY
5. Four places I went on vacation
Seattle, before I moved here
Leavenworth, WA, after I moved away :)
St. Louis
California
6. Four Internet sites I visit alot
Sparkpeople
Craftster.org
flickr
Etsy
7. Four dishes I couldn't/wouldn't want to eat
ALL fried food
tongue, of any kind
raw egg's
snails
8. Four dishes I love:
Sushi fo sho!
Thai food!
apples
steak, rare
9. Four places I would like to be right now:
Italy
Belize
France
Nepal

Any one home?

Wow, its very dusty in here. But still very cute, homey and inviting.
Maybe I will be back again, maybe I wont. At times when I was blogging my little heart out, I felt like I was doing it for everyone else... not me.
No one's fault really, just my own.
All of the blogs I used to read are pretty much dead know. Why? I guess it is life and we all get sucked into it every now and then.
And I seemed to focus on all the negative, rarely the good. Who wants to read about depressing shit? I didn't even want to write it but that's all I ever did.
MK and I are doing wonderful. It came very close to disaster, but we held on to dear life and bounced back with a vengeance! A rocky road but everything seems to be fitting again.

How is everything with you?

Wow, it's already October?

So I know I have left you all hanging on the last post but everything is kosher. I don't want to go into details as I am trying to forget about it.
I am fine, he is fine... we are fine.
: )

So whats new? How is everything?

Fall is here! Rain, wind, colors, leaves... its magical! Oh and my birthday is coming soon, Saturday to be exact! YAY!! I love my birthday! It's my own holiday and I get to spend it however I like! : )
I still don't know what I want to do though. Marc was going to have my cousins come down Saturday night, drink and then the adults come down Sunday and hang out.
Lame and boring if you ask me. So I told him that I was going to plan my birthday weekend for us. I want to find a cute bed and breakfast somewhere, just me and him. No one else. Well maybe a bottle of wine, or two. But I am stumped! I have no clue as where to go! I guess I better start hurrying before everything is booked.

I am a snoop; only when I have a good reason for it though. I have never been a trash talker, a rumor starter or a gossiper, but I am nosey.
I guess it started when I was a kid and I would find all of the presents for Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day… every last one of them. And if I got really desperate I would carefully unwrap the presents that I wanted to see and then rewrap them up. No one would even notice.
I do like surprises but I guess I get impatient and want to know what is going on at all times.
But I am been snooping on the wrong person: MK. So I have doubts, so what. Well, they are killing us. But I do have legit reasons… really I do.
He has a lot of girls that he regularly talks to. He’s a people person, not his fault. But when does it cross the line into the world of unknown?
He loves me, there’s no doubt, but of course his actions always speak louder than words.
He has been gone the past few days for work and last night we were just snuggling up on the couch, teasing a bit. I was looking forward to last night all day yesterday. I miss him so bad when he is not there with me. As soon as I noticed him to start to doze off I quickly woke him up and proceeded to lead him to bed.
There I was, laying the arms of the man that I love, who intern loves me back. I needed him, I desired for his touch, his love, his affection.
He fell asleep instead.
Ok, our sex life has drastically dropped off the scale since we first got together; this is somewhat expected. But I feel like I disgust him and he doesn’t want to even touch me. I always thought that guys would give anything to have those 15-30 minutes of glory. Maybe the older they get the less important it is; bummer for me.
So now part two of this little saga:
I have always been somewhat suspicious of the girls he talks to. His hair dresser, his massage therapist and the randoms that he makes friends with in his frequently visited stores and restaraunts. This is his business, he’s a food salesman. I always get the urge to check his phone for any texts or to see how many times he’s called these mystery girls. Last night was no different.
After realizing that he was asleep and there I was ready to go, I had to get up and get some fresh air to calm myself down. I didn’t know whether to cry or yell. I looked in his phone again and there was a text from his hair dresser; a picture of her. Why the hell would she send him a picture of her? I became so outraged I just wanted to choke him, but instead I kept my cool, thought long and hard and eventually fell asleep on the couch. This morning he asked why I was on the couch and what happened from the previous night. I quickly bit back and rephrased “It’s what didn’t happen last night.” I can be a bitch since this is happening more times than not and frankly I am getting pretty sick of it.
I want to call her, to catch her off guard and find out why. When I do get the nerve to do it, I chicken out and tell myself I am acting immature and that I should just trust him. I feel that I have a right to know though. So I just storm on these thoughts of him with other girls, doing things that he and I should do only together.
I know her a little bit; we used to work together for a short time but never got close. I don’t want to come off to strong but I really want to know. I am not going to end up like one of those girls that had no clue and everybody was laughing at her behind her back, saying how naïve and stupid she was not to see the signs.
I want these feelings to stop; I want everything to go back to how they were…

Transformations

Fall is here.
The priceless movement from summer to autumn then to winter. I am a hopeless romantic for fall. I was born in October so maybe that has something to do with it.
I love the grey of the sky and the crispness of the air. This is also my favorite time to hike in nature as well. To see once perfectly green leaves start to turn brilliant shades of orange, yellow and red make my mind feel at ease and my soul softens.
Certain aspects of life do this to me... very few and far in between but they are there.

I have been feeling wonderful lately! I have been kicking my gym routine up a few notches and I leave feeling fresh and clear headed, ready to tackle everything and anything. What I consume also has a great effect on me. I am sticking to a wholesome, mostly raw diet. Not because I want to be stick thin but I know my body and my body craves for healthy substances. What I put into it will only make it stronger and sharper.

MK is doing his sleep apnea test tonight. For as long as I can remember he has always scared me at night with his breathing. Snoring is one thing, but he stops right in the middle and makes a gasping for air sound. I finally told him that he needed to talk to his doctor because I thought it could be sleep apnea. Well he obviously has the signs but we wont know for sure until the results come back.

This is one of the many issues MK has with his health right now. He was a star athlete in high school and continued throughout his 20's. In between this though he was partying non stop. Drinking, drugs, girls... I guess he thought he was invincible, which I guess everyone in their twenties think at one point or another. Sometimes I find it hard to relate since we have a 10 year age difference. I don't go buck wild, running and screaming into the night with a cigarette and a shot (or 6) of tequila in my hand, although at times I would LOVE that... we are very mellow and very much homebodies. And I take care of that boy... because someone has to. I try to get him to eat healthy, become more active and to be aware. He can only make this choice. No one else. I can only lend a supporting hand for him to lean on and take to feel comfort. It isn't easy changing a lifestyle, just takes dedication, support and a willing mind.

We are all that we push ourselves to be.

xoxo - Tasha

I want to write a short story.
Maybe 3, 5 or 50.

I used to write all of the time!, back when I had time, not so may bills, not a full time job, and so on. I am still very creative but I lack on my ways to express through writing. I am VERY PICKY on when I can write though. The mood needs to be just right and I need to be surrounded by motivation and support. It's very hard to do anything that I need to concentrate on when MK is home. Love the boy to death but he loves his tv and wants the whole block to hear.

We have a small one bedroom condo, and well I am running out of places to hide. I seem to concentrate at the library and in park... I may have to pack up and go there for a while.

Usually when I try something like this, I tend to jump in head first. Most of the time I get frustrated, stop right in the middle and forget that I even started.

Its called a warm up. I need to exercise my pen and paper relationship with warm-ups to see if I want to even start this task. I bet there are sights online that help with this. Good ol' google to the rescue!

xoxo Tasha

Love! Love! Love!

One last night of being alone and I am taking full advantage of it!
Tonight is all about me... 4 days of gym going and eating very well are about me too, but I need a little down time. My legs were cramping really bad last night so I take that as a sign to cool it for one evening.
So I am prancing around in my underware, bottle of wine in one hand and not a care in the world! I'll make a little dinner, read some emails, check up on my blogroll, bury my nose in my book and call it a night. Sushi sounds super yummy right now, but I really dont want to drive anywhere... veggi stirfry will have to do. At least I get to use chopsticks. :)
When I love something, I LOVE IT TO THE EXTREME! This can either be an object, a person, a color, a verb... doesnt matter! Anything that catches my fancy!
Let me explain:

Heart number 1:

Jennifer Weiner. The best chick lit author that I know of! Her books are real life situations that captivate every sense known to women! Love, lust, hate, envy, denial, revenge, jealousy... She connects to readers on such a one-on-one level. Plus shes jewish :)

Heart number 2:

My two faveorite merlot's! Red Diamond and 14 Hands. I cant choose between the two, I try but it is impossible! Very easy to drink and so wonderful with dinner, compliments an evening like a good pair of shoes.

Heart number 3:

My MK bought me this bag... it's freakin adorable! Which brings me to my last heart...

The one that he has: number 4!

No words may describe what this man has done for me. Hes my bridge over high water, my umbrella through cloud bursts, my support through broken times... my everything!

xoxo - Tasha

This sux!

Leee sigh....

Well it looks like MK may be gone for a few more weeks than he thought. As we were talking last night he was suggesting that he is going to have be at his away job for 6-8 weeks, for financial reasons. Our finances... damn credit cards.

It's like being in a long distance relationship yet I get to see him 2.5 days a week.

I miss his body, I miss hands, I miss his kitty imitation... it has been nice without his constant burping and snorting, but ya I guess I would take those as well.

Maybe this will do us some good though. Get us out of the clouds into some new light. I'll be the first to admit that we were not getting along the greatest... nothing to serious, but the constant nagging of one another about little, unimportant quables. Those seem to hurt the worst though.

Also I am rather excited about my new journey while he is gone! I am doing my own SwanProject with myself. YAY!

By the time he is done with work and will be at work here, I want to be SMOKIN HOT! I need to lose a few lingering pounds that I have been staring at in the mirrors the past weeks. MK thinks I am fine, but that is EXACTLY what he should say... regardless of my pudgy wudgies. Its also so much easier to eat better when he isn't here! A small salad fills me up for a good 2 hours and I know this about myself. I know exactly how much food I need to consume in order for me to function and stay healthy. He on the other hand says I don't eat enough and practically shoves food in me. If I refuse he tells me that I am not fat and that I should eat... well you can see what this does to me after weeks of this occurrence. I eventually believe him and well that second helping of pasta looks pretty damn good!

Gym time, lots of personal reflection and I have many rewards for myself after my project is completed! I love gifts to myself!

**A tattoo! It's gonna hurt like a mo-fo but I have wanted one for a while! Its going to look a little something like this, not the entire thing just a few leaves:

** New hair! I have been a brunette for a while now, I am naturally blond, and I may do something drastic and strip my hair of all its dye. Maybe not this drastic but I defiantly know it's time for a change!

** And of course with all my gym efforts I am going some new clothes! Maybe a cute mini skirt, knee high boots, and something for MK from VictoriaSecret...

I cant wait to see me afterwards and I really cant wait until the day MK comes home, finds me irresistible and finds his hands not wanting to leave my body... until then though... i am reluctantly looking for my bottle of own lube. This is why I didn't want to be single!

xoxo - Tasha